its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
