like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
