got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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