3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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