I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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