Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
