Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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