Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
