omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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