Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
