did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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