How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
