Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
