I wanna bring you to show and tell
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
