my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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