There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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