I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
