it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just gargled with NyQuil
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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