i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
