You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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