so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I would fuck him just for his dog
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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