just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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