you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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