Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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