i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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