I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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