i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
