saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Non-Jews are for practice
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
