i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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