I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
either way he was missing a nipple.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
