woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's rum buckets o'clock
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
