Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
