How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
