i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
And then the night went full on bisexual.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
