Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
