I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
