she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Mom said you looked used
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
