My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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