o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
