why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
