im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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