he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
