She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
