so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
