look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
