Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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