xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
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