if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
