WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
