Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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